cujokisses

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 11:05:50 GMT

Our new sideshow website is here: www.thetravelingcircussideshow.com

There are two videos up and a link to another one, and more will be coming soon!

Stay Tuned!

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:54:58 GMT

Another candlelit romantic evening followed by a day of cooking a amazing feast. I am so blown away by him I tear up with happiness often

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:00:21 GMT

Our sideshow promo vid for the ADD crowd. ;]

Starring yours truly, Danson, and my husband Dean. =)

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:39:51 GMT

We're going out with our realtor on Sunday. Super excited. :D

So, it looks like the destination is back to PA, but definitely not anywhere near Philly. haha - Just me, Dean, and the unknown. :)

Soon after the move I can have a dog again.. If I get a lot of land, I'm thinking maybe a horse eventually....or maybe I will just start breeding pups. Who knows.

I'd like to get my business running soon. I have a few clients now, but it's kind of impossible to keep up with without a car. Dean's been working a lot so we have enough money for the closing costs on the house, so I can't always have him drive me. The website is doing great. I am holding off on getting business cards made until I know where we'll be living. Hopefully we'll be in an area where there is a decent population... lol

Anyway, today is a day filled with running through tomorrow's show over and over again. In case you missed it in my last few posts, I will be doing three acts in our roommate's sideshow performance. I am getting electricuted as Ms. Electra, walking up the ladder of swords, and then doing the grinder girl routine. My husband Dean will be lying on the bed of nails and getting cinderblocks broken on his chest with a sledgehammer, escaping from a straight jacket, and eating fire. Should be a great performance, and all will most likely be video taped. If so, I will definitely post a link to the footage here sometime in the future.

Anyway, back to what I was doing.... More later.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:25:20 GMT

I've been thinking about my dog a lot lately...

I honestly wish I didn't put Cujo down after he attacked (and bit) Colin. I sometimes wonder if this was a mistake even though I know it was the responsible thing to do. He was my best friend and the only living being who stayed by my side when I was going through all that abusive crap with Nick....and though I know he was too far gone psychologically, he loved me. I somehow feel as if I betrayed him. It was a betrayl to him to keep him in the situation between Nick and I, first of all. I should have taken that dog and run for the hills long ago, but due to sickness and an undying hope that things could work out between Nick and I, I fucked everything up for us.

R.I.P. Cujo. You proved that sometimes the bond between human and animal is just as good (if not better) than the bond between humans. Something I always knew since childhood when I was in an abusive home and left to cower with my long since past dog Hunter, my then only friend. This has been reaffirmed in me because of you and I know that now I must work with and for abused animals because nothing sits right with me unless I am doing something for them.

I passed the place I had him put down at last night.... and the flashbacks started coming back (as they often enough do)... I haven't dealt with his passing properly I guess because I feel like a killer. The last day I spent with him before the attack was the best day and the happiest I had ever seen him. It was just me and him at my house. He was away from Nick, as was I. And I was working on training him, running around the yard on the leash, and introducing him to my brother and friend Dan (and he didn't get vicious or attack them). He jumped up on my brother and started kissing him. I thought he was going to rip his throat out, and was quite shocked at what actually did happen. I was about to get him into a class for biters after he was boarded at Colin's father's kennel, but I wasn't allowed to take him back to my mom's, and Nick had moved back in with his mother. ughh. If I had a place and wasn't so afraid that he was going to attack a child or someone else, I would have taken him. If he wasn't so unpredictable I would have stayed on the streets with him until I found someone who'd let us stay with them.

I don't know if what I did was the right thing, yet I know it really was the only choice. I will forever feel like I owe this dog.

Life fucking really sucks sometimes.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:01:11 GMT

It's nice to have a full time job again. :)

Also, on Halloween I am performing the sideshow at a huge halloween party. I will be performing as Ms. Elektra, Grinder Girl, and then I will walk up the ladder of swords. My husband will be spinning and eating fire. I may also be dancing with the fire fans. I almost have all of my costuming ready. I have 3 costume changes.

Our roommate will be doing the rest of the show which includes so much more and a decent amount of comedy. Videos will be on youtube sometime following this event.

I have a $500 handmade beaded showgirl outfit to wear for festivities this year. I better fawking win a costume contest or something. lol

So, the hubby and I are looking for places to rent. Right now we are sharing a room in an apartment that belongs to his/our roommate. It was nice for a while, but now we need more space since our crap is really starting to pile up in here. I want a closet again. ^_^ And a puppy!

Tonight we are spinning fire outside of Halloween Express in East Brunswick. Come and check it out if you are in the area.

I woke up with my fingers smelling like chicken bolod and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Oh well. Going to wash my hands.

Bye.

Me and the hubby <3 Huge Photo Dump!

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:34:21 GMT

Love :P

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:38:07 GMT

Yay! I get to watch my godchild todayyyy. :D Practice. hehehe

Oh yeah, and he put a ring on it. whut. Yes, married. Yes, happy.

We're moving soon, maybe out to PA (lots of land for less money), but unsure. Will update soon with more content. Living in central, NJ now, but our room is being rented out from under us soon (sorry, not paying $600 for a closet).. I want a dog or two and to have room to roam

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:23:16 GMT

Married the most amazing man in the universe. Very happy. Loving life. :)

Hope everyone is doing well.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:33:20 GMT

I really don't think it's possible for me to be much happier. <3

Leaving Nick and focusing on bettering myself was the absolute best decison I had made in my life. I now have nearly everything I've ever wanted. I could be less broke, but in time that too will change. For the first time ever I could honestly say that I love myself. I now have the self-esteem and confidence that I never had that always made me the self-destructive person that I was. I am glad I am still alive to have witnessed myself leaving that behind. I never in a million years thought I would live to see that. Best feeling in the world. I made it. Let me tell you, sometimes doing things differently no matter how scary the thought is to you at the moment really pays off.

That's it for now... I have to edit my friend's paper for him and then want to spend some quality time with my man. Life is good.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 07:11:08 GMT

Well, it has certainly been a while...

I think I've fogotten what it takes to write an enjoyable entry.... Writing used to come so naturally to me that I could even do it in my sleep (proof is within the back entries - most of them I must have typed while I was unconscious).. Here I will attempt at updating you on my crazy life without lolling you to sleep. ('Attempt' is the key word)

So, here's what is going on....

I am married.

I have a farm and six disfigured orphan children.

I gave birth to 6 black puppies (don't ask)

And Nick paid me back. (LOL...just kidding)

The end.

Haha, no...but really. I am happier than I have been in a long while. I have the best boyfriend on Earth and I currently live with him in New Jersey though we are considering relocating one of these days soon. I have access to all of my friends and vice versa which I had missed incredibly when I was living in Philly. I still didn't turn my phone back on, but will soon enough.

I finally rode a motorcycle and am now obsessed. I will be purchasing my own in the spring. Working in the PR field again as well as training to do some sideshow stuff. May or not be going on the road for three months with my other half on tour performing... I have pneumonia and a pinched nerve in my back, so these past two weeks I've been taking it easy, but I'll be back to practice soon. I'm making my fire eating torches sometime this week, so hopefully next time I report my face won't be burnt to a crispy crisp. haha. No, I have been trained by the best so I will be fine. :P

So yeah, my heart is happy and I am being treated like a queen LIKE I DESERVE. :P Life is full of cooking, cleaning, gardening, and laundry, but I am happy being a housewife and my boy pitches in just as much as I do!!! HEAVEN! Nick went and bought an official engagement ring for me after he already knew I had a new boyfriend. Too fucking late, dude. We had been so terribly close to getting back together, but then I got lucky and Dean popped up when I was in the middle of my pool tournament. The rest is history and we haven't been apart since, and I didn't go and make one of the worst decisions of my life (again).

Aww...sleepy pics!

Beautiful man. Anyway...that's all I feel like yapping about right now. More later (hopefully). I'm going to try to get in the habit of writing again. Memories are good... These ones at least...

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:09:51 GMT

How did I used to write in this thing every day???

haha

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:25:50 GMT

I'm alive, happy, well... yep. My mind quit LJ months ago and I no longer can think of anything to say here. Oh well. Hope you're all well. Find me on facebook!

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:28:05 GMT

My phone got turned off a few weeks ago. If any of you are trying to reach me, try my e-mail. schizotypalmusic@yahoo.com - Lots to save up for, but no jobby yet, so I don't know when it's getting turned back on. Sucks, but that's life. Repairing the hell Nick and I created, slowly but surely.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 07:26:48 GMT

Life is good.

Things are getting straightened out..

:) New boyfriend is AMAZING. :)

I am on my way to great things...

I sigh with happiness often.

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:02:55 GMT

Can't bring myself to delete this thing just yet... soooo nevermind my last entry! :P

I am doing extremely well. Living a totally different life than I was living when I was with Nick, one of my own creation that is healthy and productive, unlike anything he was allowing me to live when I was with him... My panic attacks and nightmares rarely happen anymore unless I am going back to Philadelphia to deal with him.

I am completely clean and sober and have been for a while, and am now working on quitting smoking FOR GOOD.. I am going to school for psychology (hmm...how'd that happen?) and ditched the nursing idea because helping people who are STUCK, like I was, would be the most rewarding thing I could ask to do for a living, as long as I can still work with animals on the side. Or be an animal therapist on the side... I can't just try to help one. That wouldn't be fulfilling.

ummmm....sooo I made a beautiful garden for myself at my mom's. Tons of hours and sweat went into that thing, but it was such a therapeutic thing to do. I am now working on digging out a pond in the yard. <3

I am currently working on forming a band with my friend Keith. We currently have 3 people, but are still looking for a drummer. I am the singer. Yeah, I also got over my fear of singing in public over the past six months.. I am pretty confident about my voice now, actually. I actually dig listening to recordings of it and gave some guy such a heart quiver the other week that he immediately told me I can join his band as the singer, without first discussing it with the rest of the band (I think they are signed?). That didn't work out because they found someone before I even got to try out, but I guess that was a good reaction. :P

Enough about me, I hope you guys are doing well. I will try to write more since I decided to actually keep this thing. <3

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:39:23 GMT

R.I.P. Cujo. :(

Soooo....I am FINALLY getting rid of all my online journals.. E-mail me at schizotypalmusic@yahoo.com if you'd like to stay in touch (I will give you my facebook and myspace info if you don't already have it).

Sat, 02 May 2009 07:59:09 GMT

I used to finding writing about my life was therapeutic...until it became an obsession and my thoughts became completely compulsive and self-centered. I have to say that it is nice to be able to sit back and relax without my repetitive and mostly useless introspective thoughts (that have wasted YEARS of my life and did more harm than good) cluttering my day and blinding me from seeing what has all of the time been right in front of me.

So, f the updates. My friends know where to find me... and if you want to be friends, add me to myspace or facebook where I update up to a paragraph on my status setting daily and don't have to pour my heart and soul out to a bunch of strangers who I rarely ever get feedback from and then put my foot in my mouth for even posting in the first place. Abusive, don't you think?

Anyway, I am happy and better than ever with each passing day, and that is what matters. Hope all of you are doing well too!!!

<3
me

Spring cleaning!!!

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 03:56:48 GMT

Selling lots and lots of stuff, especially books I no longer want or need. I know you guys are interested. ;]

Here is the first list of books from Shelf 1 (of 2000?) - Sorry, NJ peeps only unless you're coming to pick it up. :P

Each book is being sold for a dollar unless specifically listed otherwise! Ask for more information on the book if needed to influence your decision!

(This portion is ESPECIALLY for horror/thriller fans!!!)

Stephen King -

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon
Gerald's Game
The Eyes of the Dragon
Everything's Eventual
Different Seasons
The Dead Zone
The Dark Tower/The Gunslinger (I have 2 copies of this one, guys!)
Danse Macabre
Carrie
Nightmares & Dreamscapes
Needful Things
Misery
It
Insomnia
Hearts in Atlantis
The Green Mile (books 1,2, & 3 - 25 cents a piece!!!)
The Green Mile (The complete serial novel)
The Running Man
The Tommy Knockers
Thinner
Skeleton Crew
Salem's Lot

Stephen King with Peter Straub-

The Talisman

Dean Koontz-

The Door to December
Demon Seed
Dark Rivers of the Heart
One Door Away from Heaven
Mr. Murder
Midnight
The Mask
Lightning
Intensity
The House of Thunder
Hideaway (2 COPIES!!!)
Fear Nothing
Dragon Tears

MORE GOING UP TOMORROW!!!!!!

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 11:59:15 GMT

Boy is in class. Just said our goodbyes for the day. Me time. Getting a new job today!??

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 11:07:47 GMT

I still haven't slept and it's 7 a.m... I am going to lose it at the funeral this weekend, I know it. I just fucking talked to him about the drugs... ughhhhhhhhhhhh I've known him since I was 12. :\ fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I miss you, Chris, you asshole.

To my first official highschool boyfriend, <3

Thank you for introducing Tool's first album to me and spending my first all nighter kissing me in the pool ignoring the whole party while I was seeing things from lack of sleep... ughhh.. thank you for spending my first day of college with me in the library when I thought I wouldn't know anyone at all. Thank you for that great big hug you gave me when I came back to NJ after being in that HORRIBLE relationship for three years and then telling me you missed me and wanted to hang out soon. Thank you for having that talk with me about your drug usage and allowing me to warn you without getting pissed, even though you didn't do anything about it (yet).

The hug I gave you was for how sorry I was that Christine (your girlfriend) and Brian (your brother) passed away, I didn't know it was the last time you'd ever be in my arms. The kiss I gave you on the cheek when you left for the evening was not a goodbye..it was more like a hello, please come back. I never thought to think that I would never see you again, yet I am hardly suprised. I always called PJ to ask if he heard from you and if you were okay, and I knew it was a possibility that this would happen, yet I wasn't prepared for the hurt of knowing I will never see you again after this weekend when I see you in your coffin.

Fuck. This is it. I am not going to be able to hold myself together.

I am seeing things from lack of sleep right now, and I swear I just saw you out of the corner of my eye. Please say this isn't happening.

Survival tip!

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 08:10:46 GMT

Use Condom To Make Fire! - The funniest videos are a click away

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 14:46:28 GMT

This is for anyone who lives in the area (nj): Hey guys, I really need your help!!!! I need to get to Philly ASAP. Nick's cousin is in the hospital in very bed condition and I need to see her. A ride to Edison train station would be fine. I normally would provide gas money, however I do not have any right now to give. I only have enough money for my train fare. ugggh. If you can help, please call me or answer here.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 11:51:05 GMT

happy birthday, danielle!!!!!! :D

I love you and I hope you have an awesome birthday!

-mobile postttt

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 05:25:25 GMT

So, if I haven't said it already...BEING SINGLE ROCKS.

I am already getting myself into plenty of trouble, and then some more for good measure. I can't help it. I feel like a rich fat kid in a candy shop. Also, who knew that touring L.A. rocker boys could be so damn loyal??? Oddness.. Yes, two months later and I am still seeing mine.. I get woken up almost every day by him trying to awaken me from my deep sleep to talk to him. <3 If I weren't so wise now I would be melting all over the place, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I am heavily jaded and I expect a lot more from people these days, and though I was untrusting before, I was still always hopeful that I would find someone who I COULD trust one day....eventually....after a long tiring quest of searching. ha. Well, now I know that is just a fairy tale and I won't waste my time setting myself up for disappointment.

I'm just happy to have my toys that I can send away whenever I feel like it so I can go right back to the little world I've created that makes me happy. Attachments are not allowed for a looooong loooooong time, if ever.

oh, by the way... I HAVEN'T HAD A PANIC ATTACK SINCE BEFORE I BROKE UP WITH NICK JANUARY 3rd, 2009!! And I am no longer sick.... POOF. MAGIC.

My family doctor was right. Interesting....

RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT WORTH THAT MUCH BULLSHIT!!!!

yeah....so I am finally happy...

oh and my old band is back together with some new members... had our first practice in a long while two days ago. Lots of work to be done... and new equipment is to be bought.

I am singing, filling in for bass for now until we find a bassist, and keys. Did a cover of My Immortal and it sounded better than the cover they did with Tammie while I was away for PJ's school project (in one take), so they drooled?? Um...confidence boost. (It has been a long while and I am a shy one) and Tammie has such a sweet, amazing voice, so I was kinda stunned. I'm a very good mimic...that's all it is. I can honestly say I haven't had enough training or practice to create my own style, and that is why my ass is going to get some voice lessons ASAP. I can do Fiona, I can do Tori, I can do Gwen, I can do Amy, Madonna sure. That isn't enough though. That's them...who am I?? meh... I wish I would've conquered my fear of singing in front of people earlier because then maybe I would've had a chance. Then again, with the way I used to be I probably would've OD-ed or gotten myself killed by now anyway... Things possibly happen for a reason.